Trust

I've had trust issues ever since I was 12 years old.  I have yet to have anyone prove me wrong as to why I shouldn't trust.  I know that hinders me in life and in finding true happiness, but I'd much rather be alone and at peace with myself, than drag myself through drama because someone else has once again validated my belief.  I'm still doing good, still making progress, still getting stronger every day.  I'm still working on me, and I'm still keeping a positive attitude on life.  But today I ask, why trust anyone?  Even those who say love you, still hurt you, break promises, lie, etc.  I'm no one to judge, so I will try not to.  I'm tired of lies, I'm tired of being disappointed time and time again.  I'm tired of feeling guilty when I have to draw a line.  I need to remember that I have to love myself, because no one else will.  Yes, people love me in their own way, but I need to love me and always remember to do that.  I need to treat myself kind.  I need to know what's good for me and what's not, and walk away from what's not good for me.  Too many times I've made excuses for others when they treat me poorly; I allow them to mistreat me.  Starting today, no more.  This pertains to my closest and dearest too.  I will no longer be manipulated; I will no longer allow others to have power over my feelings; I'm in control now.  If someone is treating me poorly, I will recognize it, and I will stop it from happening.  I'm done with being second best.  I've always wondered why I get scraps from others, and I know it's because I let it happen.

Things I love about life and myself...

So my daughter & I pray each night, and we say thank you for our blessings - ranging from providing us with our basic necessities and more.  I love to hear my daughter pray with me and repeat what I say. I love watching her play and grow...last night I told her a story at bedtime (just something I made up that had to do with our almost daily routine), and when I said, 'the end', she said, 'I love that story mom'.  Something so simple to do with her, and her smile said it all.  Two years ago, when my separation started, I went through the motions each day, not cherishing the little things that I realize were so precious.  I still have a million things to do day in and day out, but I'm trying to set a few minutes aside to enjoy holding my daughter in the morning before I turn the tv on for her so she can watch Dora. 

Even though I still have problems, unknowns, fears, a long to do list, I am loving my life and everything in it.  God continues to bless me each day, and I'm taking the time to thank Him each night or throughout the day.  The holidays are around the corner, and in the last two years, I hadn't looked forward to this time of year.  But this year I am.  I am thankful that I will spend Thanksgiving with my family, and that my daughter will be with me.  I will share her for Christmas break, but I know she benefits from spending time with her dad.  It's not as hard for me anymore because she's older now, and I can talk to her to where she understands what I'm saying. 

I'm having an adventure right now too.  I think it's important to allow time for an adventure.  I will continue to live life each day that God blesses me with a new day, a fresh new start.  This past weekend, I stopped by the park for a run after dropping my daughter off with her dad.  I stopped to feel the cool breeze and took a moment to just breathe in and take it all in.  I continued with my run, with a smile on my face.  I felt great, even after the "discussion" with my ex husband.  For once in my life, his words had no effect on me. I didn't feel upset by anything he said; I took it in, and let it go.  I am slowly coming to many realizations. I can't control others, I can only control how I handle it.  Accepting this is not so difficult for me to do anymore. 

But on to what I love...my daughter, my family, being able to lean on my family, great friends, ZUMBA, being able to be active, eating meals I crave, running, power walking, jogging, cycling, cardio, meeting new people, watching movies, hanging out with friends, being alive! I love myself, and each day my love for me is growing.  Each day, I let go and accept things, and I don't feel much guilt anymore.  I think people see my change too because everywhere I go, someone says hello to me or takes the time to talk to me.  Complete strangers are approaching me now.  In my cardio classes alone, which I have been attending for over one year now, people are just now talking to me to get to know me.  They want me to stand beside them, talk to them.  I wonder to myself if I looked unapproachable before, sad, closed off, angry...I'm assuming I did since I was in a dark place for such a long time because I couldn't stop being angry at my situation.  I thank God for helping me find some light, and for helping me on this journey that continues.
 

Today I will begin to love myself.

I love you Elizabeth.  I love you Liz. I love you Lisa. 

When I was young, I don’t think I ever heard my parents tell me to love myself.  Nor did any other adult.  Instead, I heard reasons as to why I was loved.  They loved me because I did well on something or because I behaved and listened.  They loved me because I was their daughter.  I was also told reasons why I wasn’t loved: I wasn’t skinny enough; I wasn’t athletic enough; I wasn’t pretty enough; I was too dark; I was too fat; I had a big smile that showed my gums; I wasn’t popular enough; I didn’t look as pretty as my sister; my hips were too big; my butt was too small.  I think I heard more negatives growing up than positives.  I know people mean well…or I want to believe people mean well.  But coming from my own family, it hurt.  My parents are my rock, my foundation; they have always been there when I needed them the most, cheering me on or picking me up after I’ve been hurt.  Everything I’ve learned, I have learned from watching them.  Not everything has been happy, and I’ve experienced a lot of pain.  Watching my mom cry when she was disappointed and watching her feel worthless at times because someone she loved hurt her…that tore me up inside.  I felt helpless because I couldn’t make her feel better.  But at the same time, I would try to understand the other person, and I wanted to forgive them for hurting my mom, for hurting us.  Because of these experiences, I learned not to be so trusting.  I told myself that people who love you will hurt you, and you have to be ready for the worst.  I grew up with this, and continuously validated this mindset because everyone I loved continued to hurt me.  Each time I built up emotional wall after emotional wall.  I look back at my childhood, at all of my experiences, and I am so tired of having to continue to protect myself from pain.  I’m always trying to protect myself, and yet, I keep hurting myself.  All of my walls keep me from freely giving and receiving love, even giving myself love.  I need to realize my self worth; I am worth a lot.  It doesn’t matter what I look like, how many talents I have or don’t have, I am who God made me, and I am unique.  I am tired of comparing myself to everything out there defined as beautiful.  Growing up I was always compared to my sister; my sister is gorgeous, and I believe that with all of my heart.  She is a beautiful person inside and out, and the sad thing is, she doesn’t realize her own self worth either.  She has so much to offer, but she doesn’t see it.  I don’t know why we are so hard on ourselves; I don’t know why we live our lives worried about what others think of us or measure it by having a man next to us.  I don’t know why we let fear and guilt lead us. 

Going back to being compared to my sister – she has always been more athletic, more creative, more talented, more social, prettier, fearless, she accessorizes and follows the latest trends. I am the complete opposite.  I am not as athletic, my body is not as pretty or as thin or toned, my face is different in structure (I look more like my dad and she looks more like my mom); I am not as creative or as talented, and I am more of a plain Jane.  I mentioned how I always saw her as fearless, but I think we are both fearless on different levels.  She was more “atrevida” growing up; she taught herself how to do a split, cartwheel, rollerblade, roller skate, ice skate, swim, dance, etc.  She didn’t tell herself she couldn’t do something, and once her mind was made up, she’d go after it.  I was different.  I only did what I was told I could do.  My mom instilled fear in me: “you might get hurt if you do that Lisa”, “no you can’t do that”, “I told you so”.  I know my mom had my best interest in mind, she was afraid of letting me fall and get hurt; she was trying to do what was best for me in everything.  She didn’t realize that she was instilling fear in me.  Because of this fear, I was scared of doing a cartwheel, trying to master a split, falling as I tried to skate and not getting up to try again, falling in love…because sooner or later, I was going to get hurt or be hurt.  I told myself I didn’t have enough rhythm to dance; I told myself I couldn’t do so many things and didn’t try. 

I remember being in middle school and wanting to join the track team, after all, it was just running.  I remember being in PE and jumping over hurdles, I was good! After that, I wanted to be in track, I wanted to jump hurdles.  I went home to tell my mom, but she told me I couldn’t join because it was afterschool and she wasn’t going to pick me up.  She also added, “why do you want to be in track, what if you’re not fast enough or you fall jumping over those hurdles?” I was so upset because I found something I was good at, and I couldn’t do it.  Years later, I tell my mom about this, and she tells me, “you should’ve been more like your sister and you should have insisted and just done it”.  I laugh because now they wonder why I am so stubborn and hardheaded with them.  I fought her on going away for college, 8 hours away at that! I knew then that they were not going to take that away from me.  She threatened that she would not call me or help me if I left, and I told her then she would just have to do what she had to do, but I was leaving.  I don’t think I had ever rebelled in my life like I did my senior year, and there was no stopping my rebelling after that (an adult yet still a child all at once).  And because of it, I think I’ve been stuck…an adult still a child.  Still fearful of life and the unknown and afraid of failing.  I was suppose to have my Masters degree by now, but I didn’t continue because I was scared.  I was supposed to be a licensed social worker by now working in a school district, but I didn’t take the exam because I was afraid of not passing.  I continue to self sabotage because in my mind, what happens if I fail?

I look back at my failed marriage now and realize that I didn’t give my all in so many ways.  I loved him, and I was always there for him, but at the same time, there was still a shield around my heart.  I didn’t let him completely in even though I thought I had. We married, we exchanged vows, we had the house, the life, the cars, we had a beautiful child together, so I couldn’t see why he thought I didn’t love him.  I know now.  I never trusted him enough to rely or depend on him first.  I never trusted that he loved me enough to take care of me.  I can sit here and list so many reasons as to why I felt this way, I can sit here and blame him all day long, but I’m not going to do that because I have to be responsible for any role I played.  He was my husband, I vowed to love and trust and share, and although he did not hold to his vows, I didn’t either.  I have done this all my life; I haven’t trusted in people.  I am always watching for anything that might hurt me in the least.  That’s no way for me to continue to live life.  I have to find a way to allow myself to take risks no matter what awaits at the end of it.  The planner in me who prepares for disaster has a long road ahead because it’s easier said than done.  It starts with getting out of that “it’s not going to work” mindset…taking small risks and allowing myself to enjoy the moment.  I have never enjoyed the moment; I have never fully enjoyed life.  I look back and I have had some of the best experiences life can offer, and I get sad because I didn’t take the time to just be in the moment and feel the beauty of it.  My mind was always on, “what’s next?” 

I’m currently journaling on the things I love about me, my life…I will post that soon.

Thinking about him...

So I haven’t blogged in about one week.  This past weekend was tough, along with Monday.  I talked to him a lot, and his indifference was really getting to me.  I cried after we hung up late Saturday through early Sunday. I called him back and cried with him, and he still tried to be nice but tough.  I was listening to the tomorrow song this morning, and that seems like our song at this very moment – we are like fire and gasoline, I’m no good for you, you’re no good for me, we only cause each other tears and sorrow (at least this is what he insinuated on the phone Saturday night)…but tonight I’m gonna love you like there’s no tomorrow (because I know I would give into him again and again just to hold him).  I know that we are no good together right now, but he will always be my Sammy, no matter where we are in our lives, he will always be my Sammy.  No one can take his place in my heart, no matter how much they or I try.  He stole my heart when I was 17 years old, and I never took it back.  We both moved on with our lives after that, but he still held my heart.  I don’t know why with him it’s so different for me.  I don’t know why I feel like he’s mine regardless of where he is or who he is with.  Even with our second chance (that crashed and burned yet again), I still can’t seem to let him go.  I think I will always love him, even if we can’t be together.  I do wish him the best, I want him to be happy.  I want him to find someone who can give him all of the things that I wasn’t able to do during our second chance.  It’s always been timing it seems plus my emotional walls.  I know he can hurt me deeply, so I tried to hold back as hard as I could even knowing I was losing the battle.  Even with him telling me that I was his everything, I still fought it with all my might.  Yet, he got through without me wanting to accept it.  He got through then, and he got in even deeper now.  I know he loves me, I know he’s sincere in that.  I know I’ve hurt him, and I know I can’t take it back.  He was coming from a marriage in which he was deeply hurt too, and I added to that wound in place of helping him.  I hope someday he can heal and forgive all the wrongs in his life.  I hope he will find someone who adds happiness to his life, and will love him like he needs to be loved.  I hope he finds a way to love himself first, so that he can fill that void in himself.  He always gives his all to others and he neglects himself.  I want to believe I’ve played a role in helping him better himself, to find out that he needs to put his needs first sometimes.  I believe that even if he can’t be with me, that we have both played huge roles in making each other better people for ourselves.  Through all the pain that he and I have been through, we have realized we are stronger than we thought, and that we are survivors.    

Yesterday

So yesterday I was sick, and I went straight home from work to sleep.  It felt good to lay in bed and not feel guilty for not picking up my daughter first from daycare.  Sometimes we need those moments to ourselves, for our own mental and physical wellness.  In the past, I would have never thought about leaving my daughter in daycare if I was going to be home, but working past feelings of guilt in everything I do has been positive. I know it's okay for me to take a break at times because I hardly get a time out for myself.  I have let guilt dictate my life, a large part of that came from my mom.  I love my mom, she is a wonderful woman, so strong and a big blessing in my life, but the things she'd tell me at times growing up.  I won't blame her completely, I have to hold myself accountable now that I'm no longer a child, which is why I have had to retrain myself :).  Still a work in progress but I'll get there. 

I get a little bit stronger each day

I have been working on myself for a little over one week now, focusing on my feelings, writing, reading, & not centering my time on distractions.  Because of it, I know that I am slowly starting to forgive myself and to continue to focus on all the blessings in my life.  I have returned to prayer...each night my daughter and I pray together, and it feels good to turn to Him again.  He was always my strength and I turned away because I thought He turned his back on me.  I feel a sense of happiness coming back into my life, and I feel more positive.  I listen to songs now, songs that used to make me angry or sad, and I sing along and smile instead of the alternative.  For two years my life has centered around all of the negativity and things I can't control, and I've been so bogged down with it that it feels so good to smile and not fake the smile.  It feels good to laugh and really enjoy the moment of laughter.  I can't wait to continue on this new journey.  I no longer want to live in the past; I want to feel & truly enjoy my present.  Each new day I'm blessed with is a new day to live my life.  I have a right to be happy :).

Great conversation...

So last night my ex boyfriend & I started texting, small talk at first and then about dreams I had three nights ago.  The conversation was so easy, nice and happy.  There was really no mention of us, but that was okay.  We talked about how my dreams seemed to signify emotional cleansing.  He said he's happy that I am taking the time to rediscover myself, and that it seems I'm benefitting from it.  I tell him it's not easy having to be with myself and my thoughts.  We ended our conversation because I was going to bathe my daughter, but she got to talk to him too.  I'm realizing how much Sammy became a huge part of our lives, and I didn't take the time to notice because things weren't the way I wanted them to be.  But now I know that I didn't really know what I wanted.  I'm glad we are working towards being friends because he became a best friend to me.  I don't know what our future holds, but I know that I can't think that far ahead.  I am learning to live in the present moment, and not live in the past or future.  I only have today to make the best of, and that's what I'm going to do.  Oh, and before I sign off, I went to church again yesterday! It felt good to be there with my daughter because I might still get sad over it being the 2 of us, but we are still a family.  :)