Thinking about him...

So I haven’t blogged in about one week.  This past weekend was tough, along with Monday.  I talked to him a lot, and his indifference was really getting to me.  I cried after we hung up late Saturday through early Sunday. I called him back and cried with him, and he still tried to be nice but tough.  I was listening to the tomorrow song this morning, and that seems like our song at this very moment – we are like fire and gasoline, I’m no good for you, you’re no good for me, we only cause each other tears and sorrow (at least this is what he insinuated on the phone Saturday night)…but tonight I’m gonna love you like there’s no tomorrow (because I know I would give into him again and again just to hold him).  I know that we are no good together right now, but he will always be my Sammy, no matter where we are in our lives, he will always be my Sammy.  No one can take his place in my heart, no matter how much they or I try.  He stole my heart when I was 17 years old, and I never took it back.  We both moved on with our lives after that, but he still held my heart.  I don’t know why with him it’s so different for me.  I don’t know why I feel like he’s mine regardless of where he is or who he is with.  Even with our second chance (that crashed and burned yet again), I still can’t seem to let him go.  I think I will always love him, even if we can’t be together.  I do wish him the best, I want him to be happy.  I want him to find someone who can give him all of the things that I wasn’t able to do during our second chance.  It’s always been timing it seems plus my emotional walls.  I know he can hurt me deeply, so I tried to hold back as hard as I could even knowing I was losing the battle.  Even with him telling me that I was his everything, I still fought it with all my might.  Yet, he got through without me wanting to accept it.  He got through then, and he got in even deeper now.  I know he loves me, I know he’s sincere in that.  I know I’ve hurt him, and I know I can’t take it back.  He was coming from a marriage in which he was deeply hurt too, and I added to that wound in place of helping him.  I hope someday he can heal and forgive all the wrongs in his life.  I hope he will find someone who adds happiness to his life, and will love him like he needs to be loved.  I hope he finds a way to love himself first, so that he can fill that void in himself.  He always gives his all to others and he neglects himself.  I want to believe I’ve played a role in helping him better himself, to find out that he needs to put his needs first sometimes.  I believe that even if he can’t be with me, that we have both played huge roles in making each other better people for ourselves.  Through all the pain that he and I have been through, we have realized we are stronger than we thought, and that we are survivors.