I miss you. I think of you throughout the day, wondering if we are truly over for good. I don't want to blame myself entirely. I don't know if you were totally honest with your reason for leaving me but I hope you were. It would hurt less than thinking you're with someone else. I wish I could still turn to you, to talk to you about random meaningful and meaningless things...things that I took for granted before. But I don't because I don't want to see the indifference in your text messages or hear it in your voice. I know it's going to take a while for me to heal & move forward but I do wish this process was easier and quick. I hope you haven't forgotten me, I hope you miss me & think of me often too. I hope I wasn't just someone that can easily be forgotten, like I was in my marriage. I wonder if I truly don't count or matter enough to men that everyone just moves forward after me, without a second thought?
I'm so scared about what's ahead for me...I have never liked the unknown and you know that about me all too well. I have so many fears, and I know these fears hold me back. They have always held me back, and I wish they didn't. I keep replaying our conversations in my head, our text convo in my head and even though I deleted all of our messages, I still recall each thing you told me by heart. I don't know how to keep myself busy long enough to try to distract my thoughts...I don't know what to do. I was looking at a picture I took with Kai today at the pumpkin patch, and I realized that just 2 years ago, I was at the same place in my life. Two years older, but still scared as hell and alone! Same stupid fake smile, pretending to be so strong and resilient but so fragile inside. So broken.
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