Finding me again...

I think I'm going to hate the month of October for the rest of my life...so many things have happened to me in the month of October within the past 2 years.  After my ex filed for divorce in October 2009, I now find myself dealing with another heartache this year, this month.  According to him, I'm resentful, angry and bitter, and he wants me to find happiness again, but away from him.  We are trying to remain friends, but it's not working for me.  I can't stand his indifference towards me.  At times I don't believe the excuses he used to get out.  He says he's still there for my daughter and I, and financially, so far, he's been true to his word.  Emotionally, he's clocked out.  I'm disappointed at how things turned out; deep down inside I know that I need to work on me alone.  I know that I sabotaged this relationship in so many ways, as much as I want to blame him for leaving me. 

I'm so scared because I've never really been alone...I'm a relationship kind of girl.  I miss hearing from him-no matter what, he always made time for me.  He tried to be there for me as often as possible, and I completely disregarded him at times.  I used him as a punching bag often (not physically, but emotionally).  If I was frustrated with the divorce and court situation, I took it out on him.  He finallly got tired of it, and he did what he had to do to keep his emotional sanity (he just came home from deployment).  He tells me I was suppose to have been divorced by now, but with the family legal system, they keep post poning my hearing.  I can't control the courts, I wish I could.

I'm on an emotional roller coaster ride right now (as you can tell from this blog).  My wording and writing will get better, but right now I just have to write to vent.  I haven't had any kind of control in my life for 2 years now; my ex and strangers are dictating where I should live.  I don't have my family around, and they live too far away to visit often.  I'm lonely, and I try to keep a happy face around my daughter because I don't want my emotions to affect her.  I went back to church yesterday, it had been a long while since I'd been there.  The message was good, not always what you want to hear, but I needed to be reminded.  I turned away from God when I felt he turned away from me, and now I realize I was suppose to turn to him, not only during good times.  I really hope I can heal from all my past hurts and be the person I once was before all this turmoil.  I don't like who I became...sometimes I feel like I turned into my ex husband.  I treated my current ex like my ex husband treated me.  You know the saying, 'what goes around, comes around'...how true it is.  It came full circle.  I asked my ex husband for some time apart to think back in 2009, and he filed for divorce instead because he wanted things his way.  Now my ex walked away from me, asking for a break from us because I wanted things my way all the time.