Yesterday

So yesterday I was sick, and I went straight home from work to sleep.  It felt good to lay in bed and not feel guilty for not picking up my daughter first from daycare.  Sometimes we need those moments to ourselves, for our own mental and physical wellness.  In the past, I would have never thought about leaving my daughter in daycare if I was going to be home, but working past feelings of guilt in everything I do has been positive. I know it's okay for me to take a break at times because I hardly get a time out for myself.  I have let guilt dictate my life, a large part of that came from my mom.  I love my mom, she is a wonderful woman, so strong and a big blessing in my life, but the things she'd tell me at times growing up.  I won't blame her completely, I have to hold myself accountable now that I'm no longer a child, which is why I have had to retrain myself :).  Still a work in progress but I'll get there. 

I get a little bit stronger each day

I have been working on myself for a little over one week now, focusing on my feelings, writing, reading, & not centering my time on distractions.  Because of it, I know that I am slowly starting to forgive myself and to continue to focus on all the blessings in my life.  I have returned to prayer...each night my daughter and I pray together, and it feels good to turn to Him again.  He was always my strength and I turned away because I thought He turned his back on me.  I feel a sense of happiness coming back into my life, and I feel more positive.  I listen to songs now, songs that used to make me angry or sad, and I sing along and smile instead of the alternative.  For two years my life has centered around all of the negativity and things I can't control, and I've been so bogged down with it that it feels so good to smile and not fake the smile.  It feels good to laugh and really enjoy the moment of laughter.  I can't wait to continue on this new journey.  I no longer want to live in the past; I want to feel & truly enjoy my present.  Each new day I'm blessed with is a new day to live my life.  I have a right to be happy :).

Great conversation...

So last night my ex boyfriend & I started texting, small talk at first and then about dreams I had three nights ago.  The conversation was so easy, nice and happy.  There was really no mention of us, but that was okay.  We talked about how my dreams seemed to signify emotional cleansing.  He said he's happy that I am taking the time to rediscover myself, and that it seems I'm benefitting from it.  I tell him it's not easy having to be with myself and my thoughts.  We ended our conversation because I was going to bathe my daughter, but she got to talk to him too.  I'm realizing how much Sammy became a huge part of our lives, and I didn't take the time to notice because things weren't the way I wanted them to be.  But now I know that I didn't really know what I wanted.  I'm glad we are working towards being friends because he became a best friend to me.  I don't know what our future holds, but I know that I can't think that far ahead.  I am learning to live in the present moment, and not live in the past or future.  I only have today to make the best of, and that's what I'm going to do.  Oh, and before I sign off, I went to church again yesterday! It felt good to be there with my daughter because I might still get sad over it being the 2 of us, but we are still a family.  :) 

I wrote this today...

I miss you. I think of you throughout the day, wondering if we are truly over for good.  I don't want to blame myself entirely.  I don't know if you were totally honest with your reason for leaving me but I hope you were.  It would hurt less than thinking you're with someone else.  I wish I could still turn to you, to talk to you about random meaningful and meaningless things...things that I took for granted before.  But I don't because I don't want to see the indifference in your text messages or hear it in your voice.  I know it's going to take a while for me to heal & move forward but I do wish this process was easier and quick.  I hope you haven't forgotten me, I hope you miss me & think of me often too.  I hope I wasn't just someone that can easily be forgotten, like I was in my marriage.  I wonder if I truly don't count or matter enough to men that everyone just moves forward after me, without a second thought?

I'm so scared about what's ahead for me...I have never liked the unknown and you know that about me all too well.  I have so many fears, and I know these fears hold me back.  They have always held me back, and I wish they didn't.  I keep replaying our conversations in my head, our text convo in my head and even though I deleted all of our messages, I still recall each thing you told me by heart.  I don't know how to keep myself busy long enough to try to distract my thoughts...I don't know what to do.  I was looking at a picture I took with Kai today at the pumpkin patch, and I realized that just 2 years ago, I was at the same place in my life.  Two years older, but still scared as hell and alone! Same stupid fake smile, pretending to be so strong and resilient but so fragile inside.  So broken. 

Dreams

Have you ever had a dream and wondered what it means?  Dreams tell us a lot sometimes, and last night I dreamt that I was remarrying or renewing my marriage to my soon to be ex husband.  We were happy, and we were fully aware that our separation was a thing of the past.  Our friends were there, and everyone was excited that we were together.  In the dream I am not wearing a wedding dress, nor are there any rings or anything.  We are in a large auditorium with many other weddings taking place...almost like a wedding fashion show.  The other brides are wearing wedding gowns, but I'm content in my black slacks and simple top.  In my dream I'm also looking for a bathroom, but cannot find one that is private...there are toilets in the center of the auditorium! Well I looked it up because I wanted to see why I dreamt it; I have to add that since my break up with my ex boyfriend, I haven't thought about my ex husband or worried about him.  So I looked it up, and this is what I found:

Marriage
To dream of a marriage signifies commitment, harmony or transitions. You are undergoing an important developmental phase in your life. The dream may also represent the unification of formerly separate or opposite aspects of yourself. In particular, it is the union of masculine or feminine aspects of yourself.�Consider the qualities and characteristics of the person that you are marrying. These are the qualities that you need to look at incorporating within yourself.

To dream that you are getting married to your ex suggests that you have accepted aspects of that relationship and learned from those past mistakes. Alternatively, it means that a current relationship shares some commonality with your previous relationship with your ex. However, since you are aware of the similarities, you know not make those same mistakes.

Nuptial
To dream of your nuptials indicate a reaffirmation of your commitments. It is also symbolic of a transitional stage occurring in your life.

To dream that you are attending a wedding, consider how you feel at the wedding. If you are happy, then you are embracing a new change in your life.�

Bathroom
To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, a bathroom symbolizes purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

To dream that you are in a public restroom with no stalls or that there are a lot of people around while you are trying to do your business signifies your frustrations about getting enough privacy. You are always putting others ahead of your own needs. As a result, you are lacking a sense of personal space. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are having difficulties letting go of old emotions. You are afraid that if you reveal these feelings, then others around you will judge and criticize you. If you dream that you are in a bathroom meant for the opposite sex, then it suggests that you are overstepping your boundaries.You have crossed the line in some situation.

To dream that you cannot find the bathroom or that you have difficulties finding one indicates that you have difficulties in releasing and expressing your emotions. You are holding back your true feelings about something.

Auditorium
To dream that you are in an auditorium indicates that there is something that you need to learn from others. Pay attention to those around you.

Friend
To see friends in your dream signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend indicates positive news.�

Evening Gown
To see or wear an evening gown in your dream represents enjoyment, social pleasures, grace and culture. It also represents the image that you are projecting to others. Consider the color and design of the gown for additional significance. If the gown is very fancy or ornate, then it signifies an elaborate and luxurious lifestyle. If the gown is plain or simple, then it suggests a simplified lifestyle.

Any thoughts?

Reading a book that describes me

So my ex gave my sister a book to read, and I went to the bookstore to look for it because the title caught my eye.  It's called "The Opposite of Love".  I started reading it yesterday and am now halfway through it...this book has made me laugh, cry and truly think about my life thus far.  I feel like I'm the person being described in this book.  I can't wait to keep reading because I want to know how her life turns out - will she be able to overcome the heartache, the letdowns, the anger and bitterness and how will she find herself and believe in herself.  Will she learn to love herself again? ...

I feel stronger today

So I kept myself busy yesterday, and I feel stronger today.  I'm finding my faith a little more each day too.  He called yesterday, and I had to remain indifferent. If he really wants things to be this way, I can't fight him on it.  It helped that I no longer have access to his accounts because I no longer know what he's doing or how he's spending money or on whom.  Not having that control has been somewhat liberating, as weird as that sounds.  I bought some books yesteray, one is an actual novel, the other is about inspiration.  Writing and reading were great passions of mine a long time ago, so I've decided that I need to return to what I used to love to do in my spare time.  With a toddler it is not easy - juggling gym, time with her and finding time at the end of the day, but I can commit to it more when she is with her dad on the weekends.  What's really weird too is that not having facebook to turn to has also been a breathe of fresh air! Who would have thought!? I'm a facebook addict! ;)

I'm hoping today will be another great day, and that I'll continue to feel but not let myself get down.  I'm looking forward to the holidays, and in going home to see my family for Thanksgiving.  Court hearing is also around the corner, and that makes me anxious.  But I'm so ready to get closure on divorce and get a verdict on if we have to remain in this area or if we can move.  Either way, I've decided I have to find my happiness here or there.

I can relate to her blog...

http://mytaleoftriumphandsurvival.blogspot.com/2011/03/i-was-almost-six-feet-under-but-now-its.html#comments

Finding me again...

I think I'm going to hate the month of October for the rest of my life...so many things have happened to me in the month of October within the past 2 years.  After my ex filed for divorce in October 2009, I now find myself dealing with another heartache this year, this month.  According to him, I'm resentful, angry and bitter, and he wants me to find happiness again, but away from him.  We are trying to remain friends, but it's not working for me.  I can't stand his indifference towards me.  At times I don't believe the excuses he used to get out.  He says he's still there for my daughter and I, and financially, so far, he's been true to his word.  Emotionally, he's clocked out.  I'm disappointed at how things turned out; deep down inside I know that I need to work on me alone.  I know that I sabotaged this relationship in so many ways, as much as I want to blame him for leaving me. 

I'm so scared because I've never really been alone...I'm a relationship kind of girl.  I miss hearing from him-no matter what, he always made time for me.  He tried to be there for me as often as possible, and I completely disregarded him at times.  I used him as a punching bag often (not physically, but emotionally).  If I was frustrated with the divorce and court situation, I took it out on him.  He finallly got tired of it, and he did what he had to do to keep his emotional sanity (he just came home from deployment).  He tells me I was suppose to have been divorced by now, but with the family legal system, they keep post poning my hearing.  I can't control the courts, I wish I could.

I'm on an emotional roller coaster ride right now (as you can tell from this blog).  My wording and writing will get better, but right now I just have to write to vent.  I haven't had any kind of control in my life for 2 years now; my ex and strangers are dictating where I should live.  I don't have my family around, and they live too far away to visit often.  I'm lonely, and I try to keep a happy face around my daughter because I don't want my emotions to affect her.  I went back to church yesterday, it had been a long while since I'd been there.  The message was good, not always what you want to hear, but I needed to be reminded.  I turned away from God when I felt he turned away from me, and now I realize I was suppose to turn to him, not only during good times.  I really hope I can heal from all my past hurts and be the person I once was before all this turmoil.  I don't like who I became...sometimes I feel like I turned into my ex husband.  I treated my current ex like my ex husband treated me.  You know the saying, 'what goes around, comes around'...how true it is.  It came full circle.  I asked my ex husband for some time apart to think back in 2009, and he filed for divorce instead because he wanted things his way.  Now my ex walked away from me, asking for a break from us because I wanted things my way all the time.